Summer is the time of year loved most by many people. Long, hot days where the air seems to be alive with that summer vibe. Insects buzz, visiting birds come from afar to share the season and how can I forget to mention the Festivals and that youthful  current and excitement that is almost palpable. It's all love, warmth and happiness. Well I've never been a huge fan of summer though some aspects always did make me smile. Unexpected summer downpours that drum down on the windows and porch roof, lying in the grass with a good book and a cool breeze and of course ice cold refreshments - those are the aspects of summer I enjoy but truthfully I'm a Winter girl at heart.

Yet summer 2011 will never be happy time in my memory. First off, I don't like the heat, I miss seeing the stars and I'm not a big bug fan either. I don't enjoy the party atmosphere and the idea of going to a festival - well, lets just say it's not my cup of tea. Today, Scotland is in the grips of a little heat wave; one final burst of summer and all I can think about is how Winter can't come soon enough.

I guess the start of the summer wasn't the worst. I had plans for camping trips with my friends and a week long visit to my mother down in Swansea and I was hopeful about landing a summer job and earning some money. In reality I only managed one camping trip though the Swansea holiday went well and I only landed a two day job working as a Runner for a film crew. And all of that fell below expectations. The two days work didn't even pay well and I was just a lackey. Swansea was good but a little stale I guess and camping was totally overshadowed by some nasty family circumstances. My gran was ill, dying slowly from luekemia and my brother was struggling to cope. He was subsequently in hospital when I left to go camping suffering from the side-effects of an overdose. It was hard to enjoy getting eaten alive by midgies with that on my mind.

I got home from the tripo early in the afternoon and set about helping on the croft, shearing the sheep - another (smelly) summer task I can't say I enjoy. When I went inside I had a missed call on my phone from my dad and thought nothing on it but a few hours later when he called again I found out that my Gran was in hospital and wasn't likely to make it through the night. I got to the hospital as soon as possible and saw for myself how bad things were. She could barely even talk but she was still conscious and we all (various family members and I) sat with her, talking away, keeping the conversation going. Even sharing a laugh at the odd memory. I think that's what made the hours go by without seeming so completely overwhelming. Then she said to us that she needed to go to sleep and bid us all goodnight. I replied but that was when I gave up hope and started crying. I knew then she wouldn't wake up.

I held her hand for the next hour as her breathing became less and less laboured until it finally came to a halt all together. We called a nurse who ushered us from the room into the family waiting room. There I cried some more, quietly as I held my weeping brother. I thought I was going to throw up and then it fell upon me to tell my mum. Not long after I was asked if I'd like to see her again. I did. I kissed her goodbye and said a prayer. I'm not religious but she always told me to say my prayers.

It's been two months now and I guess it's only really hitting me now. I don't like depressing people but I needed to vent this, to get the words out to anyone. I just can't talk to the people around me, my boyfriend, my family - I can't tell them that I'm not okay.

People talk about the joys of summer and I half knew what they meant but now I don't think I'll ever share the enthusiasm for this rotten time of year. Give me the cold, snowy days where things seem so much less complex and let me forget about the summer.